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Because I like

May 20, 2012

The other day, on the way to the train station, I was talking to an art director

About work, about life

When he asked “do you like advertising?”

An unhesitant “like”

I didn’t think about this previously, or was ever in this position that made me think; I surprised myself

I guess this can occupy me for at least another five years, not the agency, the industry

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Thank You For Breathing

May 1, 2012


There still are a lot of empty notebooks to be filled.
There are still too many people to take care of.
There still are too many questioned I’ve yet to ask.
There are answers I still haven’t gotten yet.

I cannot overstate how much Tablo is as an inspiration. I think I have said it before here, I don’t know how to explain this, but listening to Tablo, looking at his lyrics, it’s uncanny

‘Hey why are you speaking like me’

Proud yet earnest. But of course he has achieved so much more, only to make me want to strive to become better. To learn music, to write, to inspire.

This month’s deliverable, a 5-page prose.

“[..]a puckish charm, a sly grin, and a reputation as a genius”

Airbag, part II

April 29, 2012


They claim they don’t understand.
They tell me I used to be cheerful but now my eyes and tone of my voice lost its light and emits fear.

For the last almost 2(?) years, I woke up telling myself each morning “today, is the day you should give up”. But it was never successful; there were brief periods when I thought I did it. I found it extremely hard to open myself up, but the flip-side is, I too couldn’t let go when I should have.

You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you’re suffocating me.

Increasingly it has only become clearer to me that yes he really doesn’t give a fuck shit anymore. I might have been important (or was it just fresh and interesting), but definitely much less these days. There were incidents that tore me; I spent an evening after work walking, on the street to nowhere, and as if my life was not film-like enough, 一路向北 could not stop playing in my head.

The kind of unhelpful destructive thoughts filled my head; you’re not good enough, then why waste time working hard anymore. There is no one who appreciates what I am doing.

I woke up this morning, asking myself “do I like someone or do I like the idea of liking someone?” I can’t confirm. Clearing out my room I saw little notes from my friends, actually, maybe there are people who appreciate me. The friend who came over just to accompany me when I did my packing ‘because it’s your birthday’. The friends who couldn’t stop talking to me once they saw me. The friends who believed in me.

The world that I restricted myself to, was a destructive, self-deprecating one.

Only thing that’s worse than you is,
I, who couldn’t forget you and ended up being tainted.
I, who is cold towards the other people.

Can I stop liking you? Maybe. I can but it doesn’t have to be like this. And maybe the first step is to convince myself that I am still worth it.

“When I look back, it was the people I cared about most deeply that ended up hurting me the most. Makes me wonder, though. Is it really because they gave me greater scars? Or did I inflict the pain upon myself by naively expecting that they, of all people wouldn’t ever be bad to me?”

Drink, even if i am not your cup of tea

April 2, 2012



To be earnest, unassuming while still being excitingly fun and ambitious in an understated way

is very difficult one wor

i feel i’m becoming less fun and less ambitious

like le checkered shirts

i need my suede loafers with silver spikes

what is this that is keeping my mouth shut

what is this that is holding me back

don’t have

Airbag

February 19, 2012

I woke up in the middle of last night; ridiculous because I know pretty much nothing can wake me up at night. But an overwhelming depressing feeling just woke me up, was it a hallucination?

I tried figuring what was affecting me

Maybe it’s the little things happened over the day

I felt like I was an option, not a priority

Rule number one, do not surrender your feelings

But I just can’t get myself to care less

Is it time to adjust my expectations?

Why was I expecting so much?

This is still, life

February 15, 2012

As much as I like ‘in time with you’, it’s getting harder for me to watch episode 13, the last episode. Because the preceding 12 episodes are life, 13 — fantasy. People continue to make mistakes while looking for the moment.

This is, depressing. And let me be too today.

Vines.

February 1, 2012

Was flipping through books while waiting for a friend. Came across the word “vines” and this song came to me.

The idea of intertwined vines, not host and parasite, that you can’t undo

is very intriguing

I want to think of it in a positive way

Thoughts, beliefs, aspirations so intertwined

it’s impossible to pull away